


The Road to "Recovery"

by faggyandy



Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Dissociation, Family Feels, Gen, Genderqueer Character, Hurt/Comfort, Intrusive Thoughts, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mild Angst, Non-Binary Corrin, Panic Attacks, Permanent Injury, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, help i can only process my emotional issues through fanfiction, so much crying, this is therapist approved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-13
Updated: 2018-06-12
Packaged: 2018-12-14 19:17:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11789697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faggyandy/pseuds/faggyandy
Summary: After siding with Nohr and returning home, King Ganon does much worse to Alexis than they or their siblings see coming.





	1. Fever

**Author's Note:**

> I use my MU's name in Conquest which is Alexis and wrote the backstory behind their eye patch. I wasn't going to turn them into Zuko originally but it seems perfect and Ganon gives me alot of Ozai vibes. Boy do I like to make my OCs suffer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update: I updated their pronouns to reflect my transition. Francis = bootleg Zuko. Shitty dad FTW.

Alexis awoke to a searing pain on the right side of their face. They hissed softly, their hand instinctively going to their face only to have it gently brushed away by a foreign hand. They looked to see who it belonged to, feeling a small bit of comfort once They saw that it was only their older brother sitting at their bedside.

“You probably shouldn’t touch it. It was freshly dressed and new bandages applied recently. I’m glad to see your awake. You were out for quite a while” Xander said gently, combing their sweaty bangs out of her face.

“What happened? How long have I been out? It all happened so fast-!’ They panicked, trying to push themselves in a sitting position, only to have Xander push them back down.

“Don’t strain yourself, little princet. You have a high fever and panicking will only make it worse. When you came home with us to Nohr and met up with Father, he flew into a rage and burned the right side of your face. If I and Leo hadn’t stopped him; I can’t imagine what would’ve happened. You’ve been unconscious for several days after the wound got infected. The healers are trying their best to keep it under control.” He replied calmly, though They could make out a twinge of concern and anxiety in his voice.

Alexis was hit with a wave of nausea and resisted the urge to vomit. How vile of a man did he have to be to do this to them? Her mind was foggy with the haze of fever but a justified anger boiled inside her.

“How could he do this me after choosing Nohr? I call him father yet he mutilated me! I could’ve died! I could go blind!” Their voice wavered with rage and hysteria, their stomach lurch and they vomited over the side of the bed.

Tears filled their eyes and they shook with sobs, realizing what they had lost. They felt Xander pull them into his lap and rub circles into their back in an attempt to calm them down. It reminded them of when they was young and was thrown off their horse during riding practice, breaking their wrist in the process. Except now they were an adult and had half their hearing and sight ripped from them by her father who wanted them dead.

“I’m sorry, Alexis. I wished I could have protected you from him. You don't deserve this. You made the right choice by choosing us. Don’t regret choosing Nohr because of what he did. Remember, you made the right choice." Xander said, his voice shaking slightly. He sounded as if he was also the verge of tears. They stayed like that for an indefinite amount of time only for the silence to broken by Alexis's nearly incoherent murmuring.

“...I don’t want die, Xander…” They muttered weakly, their head resting on his shoulder, their eyes half-lidded and still wet with tears. Exhaustion had caught up with them and they felt on the verge of falling unconscious again.

“You aren’t going die while we are around. We will protect you and keep you safe. He will never hurt you again. I promise.” He moved his hand to their forehead only to flinch back from the heat of it.

“You’re burning up! I’m going to go get a healer. I’ll be back soon.” He rushed out of the door and they was alone.

They felt as if they was floating and everything was in a thick haze. Soon, Xander was back with a group of healers and Camilla in tow. It was if everything was on fire. They felt Camilla’s cool fingers comb through their sweaty hair as they felt the lukewarm healing magic flooded into their body as the healers worked. One of the servants was taking the bandages off their face and they screamed as their raw burned skin hit the open air. Camilla was petting their hair and whispering comforting words in their ear and Xander held their hands as they shook with pain. Try as the healers might, the infection had spread and was getting worse. Salve and newly boiled bandages were applied and the wound was allowed to rest.

They felt a cup of tea pressed to their lips, and they drank it without complaint. It tasted bitter and disgusting but they found themselves drifting away into the welcoming arms of sleep and away from the fire of pain that was currently consuming them..

\--------------------------------------

 

They awoke to feel that their fever had broke. The pain from their burn had subsided some though it was still clearly there. They looked to see that Xander and Camilla were gone, with Leo in their place and asleep in a chair with a book in his lap. They pushed themselves into a sitting position and turned to face the mirror that was on the wall. Their burn was exposed to let it breathe and their breath hitched when they saw themself.

The burn had consumed the right side of their face, their right eye clouded and blind stared at them along with their charred ear. Their fingertips grazed the fresh pink scar that was still tender. Their left eye was sunken and had a dark shadow under it. They were so pale that they looked like a ghost. They were practically half dead. More tears well up in their eyes, they didn’t bother to wipe them away when they fell.

“You know, you are lucky to be alive.” Leo’s voice was cool yet not unkind. He moved to sit on the bed with them, not looking at the dirty look they shot him.

“That infection would’ve killed you if you didn't have the Devil's own luck. Hell, be glad you aren’t blind in both eyes and the infection didn’t spread to your brain. It’s a miracle that you are even awake.” Leo said, covering Their face with new bandages. Alexis didn’t bother to even look at him. Still sullenly staring back at their reflection.

“I almost wish that I hadn’t woken up.” They muttered. Leo stopped applying the bandages and his hands fell into his lap.

“I’m not going to pretend and say that everything is fine and you're going to be okay. You are permanently maimed and half blind. That sucks and you don’t deserve it, but I’d be lying if I don’t say you should be pretty damn grateful to be alive!” Leo yelled, his face tightening up, his fist clenched in his lap. Alexis was shocked to hear their normally collected and reserved brother this angry.

“Me and Xander had to physically restrain Father from burning your entire body to a crisp. We stayed at your bedside the entire time you were succumbing to an infection that would have certainly killed you if you didn’t have dragon blood coursing through your veins. All of us were so terrified that you’d pass on during the night while we were asleep that Xander offered to stay up every night to watch you. He hadn’t slept for days because he fears you might die if he just takes a nap. All Elise does is cry or study in the library on how to treat your illness. They passed out from dehydration after locking herself in her room for two days. Camilla is either talking to the healers or sitting at your bedside, I have to beg her to eat because she can’t even stop worrying over you to eat a meal!” He got up and stood in front of them, grabbing their chin with his hand so they could look at his face. They never seen him look so lost and upset before.

“I saw you stop breathing, Alexis. You just stopped breathing and I thought you had died. I have never been so scared in my life. If you died, it would destroy me. It would destroy all of us. We can’t imagine a world without you in it. You don’t know how much we love you. You don’t know how much I love you.” His voice cracked as a few tears rolled down his cheeks. He sat down next to them, quiet and solemn.

Alexis wanted to say something but they knew no words that could ever answer his. Instead, they rested their head on his shoulder and closed their eyes so no more tears could fall.

“I’m sorry.” They said because that was all they knew they could say. He hummed a non-response and they knew that he forgave them. He moved to pick up the book he was reading when they caught a glimpse of the cover.

“The Hobbit? I haven’t read it in years. Xander used to read it to us when we were young. I would read it over and over again until you guys would come to visit again.” They said as he opened to the first page.

“I could read it if you like. It’s one of my favorite books as well.” He replied, seeing them nod their head.

So he read aloud chapter after chapter as the hours passed by in a blur and the room grew dark until the only light was a candle flickering on the nightstand. Both had fallen asleep, leaning against each other and supporting one another. Xander crept into the room to find both of his young siblings passed out. Quite honestly it was adorable. He chuckled to himself as he pulled the blankets over them and adjusted them into a more comfortable position. He could finally let himself breathe, knowing that finally, things were going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leo is a massive fantasy nerd who would play D&D in their spare time and considers JRT a god amongst men.


	2. The Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Though they had recovered from the initial injury, Alexis fails to recover from the damage done to their mind. They are suddenly forced back into duty before they are ready and suffers because of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I had to get this whole idea off my chest. This is actually based if not an entire rewrite of a trauma of mine that has been haunting me for the last few months. Sometimes you just need to write some things down in order to process them. Obviously, some things are changed but this is mostly how it happened.

 

 

Alexis hadn’t slept in four days. Every time they tried to sleep, they could feel the skin of their face being seared by their father’s fire magic; the scent of their burning flesh filling their nostrils. After the fever had passed, the memory of the incident had kept playing on repeat in their mind. They couldn’t sleep in fear that they would wake in horrible pain because they forgot to take the pain medicine the healer gave them. They neurotically changed the bandages because they thought they would die if they weren’t perfectly clean. They tried to occupy themself by reading or studying, but their racing thoughts would chase them down and their heart would hammer away in their chest like a frightened rabbit.   
  
Their siblings and friends were noticing the toll that the lack of sleep was taking on them. Their visible eye was bloodshot and ringed with dark circles, their long brown hair was tangled and disheveled. Servants would find them restlessly wandering the halls at night and would guide them back to their room in hope that they would at least rest. They constantly shook with anxiety and would flinch at every sudden noise. Paranoia was taking hold of them as they slipped into insanity. They were starting to hallucinate: being engulfed in flames, their father’s melting face with red glowing eyes, the dead bodies of their Hoshidan family. They was coming apart at the seams and they needed someone to intervene.   
  
“Lairde Alexis, King Garon requests your presence in the war council meeting. Your presence is mandatory.” A servant told as they laid in their bed, tangled in the sheets.   
  
Their heart hammered away in their chest, everything felt hot. They were not ready to see their father again. All they could think of was his rage when he found out they were alive after siding with Nohr. The thought of seeing him after he maimed them sent their world spinning off its axis and into the darkness of space. Still to disobey a direct order from him was suicide. They would not try their luck with him again. The burn was a warning, and they must hed it.   
  
They waited patiently for Felicia and Flora to help them put on their dress armor and binder, still too weak to do it themself. Flora combed out the knots in their hair and plaited it, telling them that everything was going to be okay. They couldn’t help but feel tears run down their cheeks because they knew it wasn’t. They walked the corridor to the war room, holding themself together as best as they could. Swaying from exhaustion, Alexis felt as if they were going to collapse on the floor any moment. They walked through the great doors of the war room, feeling hundreds of eyes turn on them as the world slip away from them replaced by a thick syrupy fog.   
  
They couldn’t remember walking there, in fact, they couldn’t remember anything before Felicia and Flora. It was if they were asleep but somehow awake. Tears welled up in their eyes as they started to shake in terror, they couldn’t breathe. They backed themself into a wall as concerned people started to surround them, all their faces and voices blurring together into a mess of noise and color. They grabbed their hair tightly in their hands, starting to tug it and curl in on themself. They felt their sister, Elise, place a hand on their shoulder and say something along the lines of “are you okay”.   
  
“I don’t know. Something is wrong, very wrong.” They mumbled, their eyes wide and filled with terror.   
  
Their family appeared in front of them as their breath quickened. They were hyperventilating now and felt everything around them become more out of focus. They heard nothing they were saying. Time had become nonlinear and they could only remember in brief moments of what happened next. They remembered they started to scream as Iago closed in on them and Leo pushing him back. Camilla had taken their face in her hands and told them they were okay. Obviously, they were not! Why couldn’t anyone else see that? Then they started to slam their head against the wall to shake themself back to consciousness. Camilla tried to get them to stop but they snarled at her and scratched her across the face with their sharp talons. They hit their head harder and then they blacked out.   
  
Next thing they knew, Xander was physically restraining them and they was about a foot away from the wall. The back of their head was wet as well as their neck. They heard people mumbled something about getting a healer and knocking them out. They squirmed in Xander’s grip but he held on tighter. They screeched and thrashed, their dragonstone feeling hot and searing the skin around their neck.   
  
“NO! NO! NO! DON’T KNOCK ME OUT! MAKE IT GO AWAY! JUST MAKE IT GO AWAY!” They howled, clawing and biting Xander’s arms, leaving him wincing in pain.   
  
He yelled something at Leo but they couldn’t make out what he said. Leo look surprised, then his face hardened in concentration. He muttered out some cantations as the runes and glow of magic started to shine around him. Then they were unconscious.   
  
\------------------------------   
  
They woke up in their bed, their hands tied to the railing with cloth. Their head was wrapped in bandages, throbbing dully with pain. They tugged at their restraints at no avail, panicking and chewing at them like an animal in a trap.   
  
“Alexis, stop.” They heard a stern voice behind them and turned their head to see who it was.   
  
Xander and her siblings, looked at her with a mix of concern and fear as if she was an injured wyvern. She stopped and relaxed just slightly, knowing it was just them. She looked at the bite marks and scratches along Xander’s arms and the thin cut along Camilla’s face. Her chest turned to ice once she realized what she had done.   
  
“The restraints are just temporary. We didn’t know how long Leo’s sleeping spell would last or if you would still be in the same state you were in before. We didn’t want you to hurt yourself more than you already have.” Xander said, quietly, the air around them was heavy and suffocating.   
  
“When are you going to take them off?” They demanded, tugging at them futilely before having Camilla lay a hand on their wrist to stop.   
  
“Once we know that you won’t hurt yourself....or others,” Xander said quietly, trailing off on the last part of the sentence.   
  
Tears started to roll down Alexis’s cheeks, losing what little composure they had left. Guilt ate away at their insides as they sobbed violently. Camilla held them in her arms as they howled in anger and self-loathing. Leo moved to touch their shoulder to let them know he was there; Elise joined in the hug while Xander rubbed their back.   
  
“It’s not your fault. You didn’t know what you were doing. You were scared and you thought other people were going to hurt you. I’m not angry at you.” Camilla murmured to them, Xander shook his head in agreement.   
  
“You hurt yourself much more than you hurt us. There was a two-inch gash in your head from hitting it against the wall. You gave yourself a minor concussion.” Xander said, Alexis remembered the blood running down their neck and the dull ache in the back of their head.   
  
They felt exhaustion weighed on them as their tears dried and they were only left shaking with sobs. Emotionally, they felt as if they were caught in an ocean; waves of intense emotions crashing against them as they struggled to keep their head above water. All they wanted to do was to give in and finally sleep but they knew that was the only thing they couldn’t do.   
  
“Alexis, the healer gave us some herbs that will help you sleep. You haven’t slept in several days and you're coming apart. Will you take them please?” Xander asked them, holding what looked like a cup of tea in his hand   
  
Alexis was well acquainted with sedatives and despised them with a passion. They left them as if their head was stuffed with cotton, and the world was a watery blur of noise and colors. They were left nauseous and vulnerable, all they could do was lay there like a ragdoll as the healers did their work. But they were at the end of their rope. They would rather knock themself unconscious then go another sleepless night with nothing but their stinging face and traumatic memories to keep them company.   
  
“Okay.” They murmured quietly, as Xander undid the cloth around their wrists and press the cup in their shaking hands.   
  
They lifted the cup to their lips, gagging at the bitter taste of tea as they drank it. They handed Xander back the cup and dropped their head on the pillow. Curling into a fetal position, a few more tears ran down their face and soaked in the pillow. Camilla laid down beside them and holding them like she had when they were young and plagued by nightmares of a past they only could vaguely remember. The blankets were pulled over their vulnerable body, too tired to do it themself. The calming pull of sedative tugged at their eyelids as they struggled to keep them open. As much as they wanted to sleep, they feared what would await them in their dreams. But they were on the losing end of the battle; their eyelids fluttered shut as they drifted into sleep.


	3. Dissociation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recovery does not happen overnight but in increments.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right after I got out the hospital after slamming a two inch gash in my head, I was so depersonalized that all I could do was watch Netflix or sit outside as I stared at my hands. The doctor suggested I meditate but that was lame so I ran.

 

Camilla helped Alexis into their binder as they had neither the energy nor the control of their fingers to do so. Alexis just stared off into space in a dissociative haze as their sister continued to help them get ready, brushing their now recently cut hair that went from beautiful straight shoulder length locks to messy uneven strands that barely reached their chin. Camilla had suggested it be cut since it would be easier to manage since they were too depressed even take a bath unless their elder sister or their retainers washed them. They said they didn’t care but they cried when they cut it despite Camilla and Elise saying it framed her face well. In the end, it was another thing to be lost.   
  
Their sister plaited their hair as well as they could to make them feel better about the whole arrangement. They glared back at their reflection in the mirror, the simple white eyepatch they wore covered their scar mostly but the edges still peaked through and trailed across the bridge of their nose and across their lower cheek that no makeup could cover. Camilla frowned when she noticed their disgust at their reflection, wrapping her arms around their neck and murmuring to them that they were beautiful. Alexis had doubts but decided to not to voice them.   
  
They were helped into a simple linen shirt and a pair of breeches that were comfortable as well as easy to put on. Camilla refused to let them wear their night clothing the entire day which they couldn’t help but be slightly resentful towards. As well as refusing to let them wear their nightclothes past noon, Camilla had been dragging them out of their room to interact with people instead “being closed off in their room all day”. Alexis knew it was code for “I can’t trust you to be alone because you might throw yourself out the window”. All their siblings including their retainers were in on it. They were tugged along by their hand as Camilla dragged them through the halls and into the court yard, chattering to them though she knew they wouldn’t respond.   
  
“Such a nice day, isn’t it, darling? The outdoors do well for the body as well as the mind. Aren’t you going to feel so much better after some time in the fresh air and sun?” Camilla said she sat them down on the picnic blanket in the shade of a massive tree that they use to climb all the time in their youth.   
  
They said nothing as they glanced down at their hands that felt as if they weren’t attached to their body which they didn’t even know was actually there in the first place. Reality at this point seemed relative. The sun could do little in ridding them of their severe depersonalization but they didn’t have the heart to tell their sister that. Alexis then went to picking at the grass, pulling at it and letting it drift off in the wind. Their mind still questioning if they was real or they were still in their bed dying of fever. They could after all be dreaming and wouldn’t know the wiser.   
  
“Hey, can I join you, little princet?” Xander was leaning in front of them to get their attention.   
  
“Okay.” They said quietly as they glanced at him as he sat down beside them, leaning on his hands as Camilla hummed softly under her breath.   
  
It was quiet though not unpleasantly so, they tried to keep to themself though they could tell that they were glancing at them occasionally in worry. They had been subdued and half-present since their panic attack a week ago. All their friends and family were concerned for their wellbeing as they laid in bed, occasionally breaking down in tears or talking of suicide and self-harm. They rarely ate and still barely slept without the help of a sleeping aid. In some ways, they were as fragile as a newly hatched chick; that if something ever slightly disrupted them, they would break.   
  
“I don’t feel real.” Alexis broke the silence with their odd but persistent statement, they let out a distressed noise as they shook as their discomfort built. Xander frowned and clicked his tongue to get their attention, he took their hands in his and rubbed his thumb in the palm their hand.   
  
“Close your eyes and just focus on the way your hand feels when I rub with my thumb. Don’t think of anything else besides that, not the sensations or thoughts. Just my thumb on your hand. Keep focusing until I tell you to stop.” He told them in a calm centering voice as he continued to rub the center of their hand.   
  
“You feel my thumb on your hand as I circle it in your palm, my constant touch that is there and won’t leave. Notice the ridges of my fingertip as it traces across the lines in your hand. They are all there and you can feel each one, can’t you?” He continued as they nodded, he then stopped rubbing his thumb but then laid his hand on top of theirs.   
  
“I stopped tracing my thumb. Now turn your attention to my hands as they hold yours. Just linger on the touch and nothing else. Just focus on us holding hands.” He said nothing for the next two minutes as they tried to focus on the touch of his hands and not let themself drift to the unpleasant things that loomed in the back of their mind.   
  
“Now open your eyes and look at me. You can feel my touch and hear my voice, little princess. You are real as well as I, so is Camilla and the world around us. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now and you feel as if you are drowning in syrup, I know that feeling of fear and paranoia as well. Just try to let those feelings go for the moment and let yourself breathe.” Xander squeezed their hands as they let out a shaky breath and wiped at their stinging eyes.   
  
“I’m scared and so so tired. I just want it to go away.” They said softly, their voice filled with exhaustion.   
  
“I know, little princet. I wish I could get rid of all this too but I can’t. What you can do however, is lay your head in my lap and just allow yourself to rest. Just rest, Alexis.” He patted his thighs for them to rest their head on, reluctantly they curled up with their head laying on his lap and closed their eyes.   
  
“Xander, what if I can’t sleep?” They whispered and he ran his fingers across the burn scar on their face.   
  
“You don’t need to sleep, Alexis. Just rest which means not working yourself up. Just let those thoughts drift away.”   
  
“But-” They were cut off by Camilla who held a finger to their lips and shushed them.   
  
“Dear, listen to Xander. You just need to rest and stop being so obsessive about these thoughts and feelings. Just let go.” Camilla said as she leaned on Xander, her head resting on his shoulder.   
  
“Can you sing…?” Alexis’s question drifted off and they blushed in embarrassment.   
  
“Me or Xander?” Camilla joked as Xander frowned at her, but Alexis actually took the question seriously.   
  
“Xander.” Xander choked on his spit and glared at Camilla, she giggled softly all while Xander blushed.   
  
“Why me, little princet? I’m not a very good singer.”   
  
“Yes, you are. Please sing, big brother.” Xander ran his fingers through their hair, rolling his eyes at Camilla’s soft laugher.   
  
“Do you have anything you want me to sing?” Alexis tried to think of a song as Xander absently patted their head, also trying to think of the songs he could remember.   
  
“Do you know anything in Nohrian?” They gazed up at him with one big ruby eye as his eyes instantly lit up and let a soft smile.   
  
“I have one which my mother use to sing me every night when I was young. It’s called ‘A Mhaighdean Bhan Uasal’.” He cleared his throat as a clear light voice came from his vocal cords.   
  
_ “ A naoidhean bhig, cluinn mo ghuth  _ _   
_ _ Mise ri d' thaobh, Ó mhaighdean bhàn  _ _   
_ _ Ar rìbhinn òg, fàs a's faic  _ _   
_ _ Do thìr, dìleas fhéin  _ _   
_ _   
_ _ A ghrian a's a ghealach, stiùir sinn  _ _   
_ _ Gu uair ar cliù 's ar glòir  _ _   
_ _ Naoidhean bhig, ar rìbhinn òg  _ _   
_ _ Mhaighdean uasal bhàn” _ __   
  
It was a short song but it did fine as after he repeated it once and they were already dozing. He sung a few more songs that came to memory until they were actually asleep and could rest his eyes as well. It was another shaking step towards the nebulous shining gates of recovery that they all hoped they’d someday reach. Even if small in the greater scheme of things, it was still progress. A small fragment of hope to get you through to another day.   
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Xander was attempting to use mindfulness with Alexis though more in the body scanning sort of way. When I dissociate so much that I am no longer on this realm of existence, I try to focus on just my body sitting in the chair and go from there. Also the song Xander sings was from Brave because I associate Nohrian culture with that of the Celts.


	4. Relaspe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In process to recovery, one will often relaspe on route to get there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am rarely manic but in a moment of glory, I stabbed myself with a knife to get me hospitalized. Don't ask why because I was delusional and psychotic. Also a moron. Mental illness can make you an idiot sometimes.

Alexis pressed the knife to the inside of their wrist, cutting into soft flesh as blood oozed from the cuts in riverets down their arm. Emotionlessly, they watched the blood drip onto their feet and stain the marble floor of the bathroom. They were real and therefore could bleed. It was a relief in their irrational mental state that they for once in the last three weeks felt alive and present in their own body. They however did not know how deeply they had cut as the bleeding didn’t stop like the other times they had done it after a few minutes of applying pressure. Meekly, they removed the washcloth from their wrist only to see they had cut straight into the fat and vein instead of grazing the skin.   
  
There was a knocking on the door, and they felt their heart nearly climb out of their throat. They weren't supposed to have a knife on them or really anything that they could use to harm themself. They had snuck it out during dinner after the servants had collected the cutlery. Their already clouded mental state smeared into an incoherent mess of noises and images as the door was unlocked, and Leo saw them bleeding profusely from their arm onto the floor. They stumbled back a few feet as he step towards them to grab the knife in their hand.   
  
“Alexis, please give me the knife. I’m not going to tell Camilla or Xander, just give me the knife.” He reached out to grab the knife that was loosely in their grip, as they in fight/flight mode tried to run out the door.   
  
Leo with his sharp reflexes caught them and wrapped their arms around their chest to restain them as he pried the knife out of their hand. They went completely limp as he dragged them into the bathroom and sat them on the toilet seat. Peeling back the washcloth, he grimaced when he saw how deep the cut went. This was something he couldn’t heal alone.   
  
“Alexis, are you still with me? I’m going to get Elise, keeping putting pressure on the wound and don’t leave.” He held their face in his hands as their blank eyes meet his and flickered back to the floor.   
  
Alexis was still sitting there when he came back with Elise in tow. Elise let out a strangled cry as she rushed over to her bleeding older sibling with her staff tightly clutched in her hand. She screamed at Leo to get more towels as she tried to get Alexis’s attention by slapping them on the knees who sat stiff as a board in their near catatonic state.   
  
“Big Sibster, please talk to me! It’s Elise and I need to treat your cut. Why did you hurt yourself again?” Tears ran down Elise’s face as Alexis turned their face away from her to avoid her heartbreaking gaze.   
  
“I want to make it go away. It’s not going away. I’m not real. I need to feel real.” They mumbled incoherently as Elise looked at them in confusion as they again dropped their head to look at the floor.   
  
“I thought you were getting better. You told me that you wouldn’t hurt yourself. Why did you lie to me? Do you really want to kill yourself?” She questioned Alexis through shaking sobs as Leo peered out in the doorway, Alexis violently flinched at every question.   
  
“WHY AREN’T YOU ANSWERING MY QUESTIONS??? DO YOU REALLY HATE ME THAT MUCH THAT YOU WANT TO DIE RATHER THAN BE AROUND ME???” She screamed as she broke into more violent sobbing, Alexis lifted their head and tightly held onto their little sister for dear life.   
  
“I’m sorry...I’m sorry...I’m sorry…” They repeated until it was a bunch of incoherent noises, crying as well which made Leo also cry by proxy.   
  
“Oh gods, you’re bleeding everywhere….” Elise murmured when she noticed the blood on her sibling’s arm was soaking through the towel and onto her dress and hands.   
  
“I’m sorry, Elise. It’s bad, I know. I don’t want to die. Please, I don’t want to die.” They looked up at her with wide manic eyes, Elise reluctantly peeled off and nearly vomited when she saw the orange roe like fat of her siblings’s arm and even some strands of muscle if she really looked hard.   
  
“Damn, damn, damn, damn. Uh...don’t tell Xander I swore...but damn. I can mend it but it’s going to be super ugly and it’s not gonna heal fully either so we’ll need to wrap it up.” Elise murmured the cantations under her breath as she started to perform the mending spell required to fix their arm.   
  
“Do you need help, Elise?” Leo asked as he sat next to her, looking down at the awful cut.   
  
“Yeah, it’s gonna use up alot of energy. Thanks, Big Brother.” Elise leaned against her brother as he joined his green healing magic with her own.   
  
From the bottom, the muscle started to knit itself back together as well the fat until it was shallow enough to stitch up as the wound won’t knit together with magic. Elise got the needle and thread as she started stitch up the shallow wound which left it nasty, puckered, and red. She covered it with bandages as finally she sat back exhausted against Leo. Alexis got down from the toilet seat and nestled against Elise as they all just took in the utter mess and severity of the situation.   
  
“What are we going to do now?” Leo asked as they looked at the blood all over their clothes, towels, and the floor.   
  
“A maid.” Alexis mumbled as they looked down in distaste at their bloody dress.   
  
“Then what? Honestly, Sibster, we can’t cover this bloody mess from Camilla or Xander-” Leo blanched when he saw the horrified look of Xander as he stood in the doorway.   
  
“Leo, what happened in here? You all are covered in blood, Elise looks halfway onto passing out, and Alexis is again so out of it that they can barely move. Why didn’t you alert me! ” Xander demanded as he pushed Leo out of the way so he can attend to his siblings.   
  
“Alexis snuck a knife out of the kitchen and stabbed themself with it. Elise helped me mend the wound, I was so freaked out that I didn’t bother to think telling you. I’m sorry, Brother.” Leo  frowned deeply, shaking so badly that it hurt Xander to look at them.   
  
“I’m sorry for yelling at you, Leo. It must of really scared you, I wasn’t really thinking either.” Xander pulled Leo into a hug as he clutched all of his baby siblings to his chest, Leo could feel him shaking too.   
  
It was quiet for a long time as Xander and his siblings shook and cried together from yet another incident that threatened to drive them apart. Yet another time he had gone close to losing his sibling. He be damned if he let them go now. Leo squirmed and Xander released him as he lifted Elise and Alexis onto the bed and pulled the blankets over their sleeping forms, exhausted from the healing and emotional stress. The siblings had themselves locked in a death grip, terrified even in slumber that they would be torn apart. Leo stood next to his brother as they watched them sleep. Leo turned to him with a question on the tip of his tongue but too nervous to voice it.   
  
“What do we do now?” Leo said the words as they floated out into the massive room and echoed.   
  
“We tighten security and not let them out of our sight. Their retainers, we, or one of our retainers will have to be with them at all times. Get rid of all the objects they can hurt themself with even their quills and shaving razor. Remove all the locks on their doors. Honestly, we are going to have to put them on a tight leash and their going to resent us because of it. They made us resort to this. I can’t risk this happening again.” Xander had again become morose as he started to rummage around the room for any objects that Alexis could theoretically kill themself with he could find.   
  
Leo helped him though it turned his stomach to be violating his sibling’s privacy in such a way. Everything was gathered and set down on the floor, as Xander made another run through just in case something was missed. Even shoelaces were taken out of the boots that Alexis rarely ever wore as they could make a noose with it. Both brothers felt like crying after having to raid their sibling’s room like they were a prisoner. Leo sat down on the floor against the frame of the bed, knees pulled up to his chest with his face buried in his hands.   
  
“I’m so tired, Xander. I can’t keep doing this. Every night, I am paralyzed with fear that I’ll wake up and their dead. I don’t want them to die.” Leo’s voice broke as he gripped fists full of his blonde hair, Xander sat next to him in an act of solidarity.   
  
“This last month has taken a year of my life. There are moments where my chest tightens to the point I can’t breathe and I am struggling for air. The anxiety is so intense sometimes that I lock into place like a deer in the face of a hunter’s bow, unable to move. I can’t stand losing another member of this family.” Xander’s vulnerably scared him as he never saw his brother as anything but infallible and unbreakable, seeing him so fragile it made him sick.   
  
“I’m so scared, Xander.” Leo leaned against his brother as tears ran down his cheeks, sucking in air through his clenched teeth.   
  
“Leo, just let it go. Trust me, you are going to feel a lot better when you do.” Xander wrapped his arms around Leo as he shook, his fists clutching his shirt.   
  
Leo’s cries were quiet and muffled; even at his most unrestrained, he was trying to mute himself for his family. He did not want to wake his sleeping sisters who so desperately needed rest. Clenching his eyes as tightly to stop the tears that leaked from his eyes did little to help him. Xander did nothing but rub circles in his back as he cried. Eventually, what energy he had was reduced to nothing as he closed his eyes and his breathing was nothing but gross snot filled snorts. Xander just lifted him up and placed him next to Elise and Alexis, draping the blankets over them as he pressed a kiss on each of their cheeks. Leo watched through exhausted half-lidded eyes when Xander gathered up the contraband objects from the pile and went to close the door on the way out.   
  
“Xander..” Leo called out in a hoarse whisper, Xander turned and gave him pained smile.   
  
“Sleep, Leo. Please, you need it as much as them.” Leo scrunched up his face but laid down regardless as the door clicked shut and he tried to let himself sleep regardless of his fears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honk Honk! All aboard the sadness train to Angstville so we can properly process our trauma in a lame attempt to make ourselves not feel bad anymore. It works, I guess???


	5. Insomnia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexis can't sleep and their mind prays upon them in the dark of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by those lovely intrusive thoughts that keep me up at night about hurting my love ones. I become psychotic without sleep and most of time in only helps when I sleep close to someone else. Tis how one copes no matter how weird.

They tossed and turned in bed as the grandfather clock in their room struck 2:00 AM; the insomnia hadn’t gotten better even after a month. Alexis felt their heart pound in their chest as they got up and started to pace their room, the anxiety rising inside of them as they became more frantic. Scratching at their arms as their breathing became shallow and labored. Bad things happened when they didn't sleep.   
  
They couldn’t help but feel dumb but they really didn’t want to be alone. Trauma had made them regress by ten years and their emotional state was that of their scared eight year old self. Sleeping alone was scary and all they wanted was their older siblings. Draping their fleece blanket over their shoulders and tucking the stuffed rabbit they had been sleeping with since they were six under their arm, they walked out of their room into the hall in search for a warm bed with an even warmer person in inside.   
  
They walked to the door at the end of the hall, their taloned feet scraping on the stone floor as they lightly knocked on the door only to get no response. Damn. Well, that wasn’t going to stop them. They turned the knob, walking into the massive room and up to a king sized bed where it’s occupant slept on their side, facing the window as they softly snored. Alexis lightly shook their shoulder but they remained asleep, frustrated because they really needed to talk to them. Their hand buzzed with ice magic as they touched their cheek, their eyes snapping open from the cold. Xander sat up in bed and glared at them, rubbing his cheek as his gaze softened when he saw the distress they were in.   
  
“What’s wrong, Alexis? Why did you wake me up so early?” Xander sighed as they averted his gaze, tucking their messy bangs out of their eyes.   
  
“The thoughts keep getting worse. I can’t sleep.” They mumbled, digging their sharp nails into their arm which made Xander frown.   
  
“Have you been doing the exercises I taught you to help you relax?” He removed their hand from their arm as he held it between both of his hands, squeezing it as they looked down at their feet.   
  
“No, they aren't working. I just want to be with you tonight. You make the thoughts go away.” They looked at him briefly before closing their eyes and rubbing their face with their other hand.   
  
“I’m not going to be with you all the time, Alexis. You need to start doing this in your own. I’ll let you sleep in my bed tonight but just try harder to sleep in your own bed.” Xander lifted up the blankets as they crawled in and nestled into his side.   
  
“Do you love me?” Xander groaned and turned to face them, holding their face in his hands as they could make out the dark circles under his eyes.   
  
“Yes, I love you and will always love you. Please go to bed, Little Princet.” Xander turned his back to them, trying to fall back asleep.   
  
They found themself slowing drifting into sleep, their mind slipping into a dream. Brief images of Elise’s lifeless body laying on the ground, bloody and mutilated, played in their mind as they got progressively worse. Xander was next as they pierced Yato though his chest, the sickening crack his ribs made as he fell from his horse. They watched as he decomposed in front of their eyes, his face filled with maggots which they started to tear his skin from his face. Their mouth felt as it was filling with maggots and rotting flesh as they woke up screaming   
  
They violently thrashed in bed as they screamed, Xander trying to shake them back to reality as it felt like their mouth was still filled with rotting flesh which made them scream even harder. Xander firmly slapped them on the back, as they stared at him with scared unfocused eyes as they sharply whined and shook their head violently.   
  
“Bad thoughts. Bad bad bad thoughts. I killed you and ate your flesh. It was awful so awful. Bad bad bad bad bad!!!! They tell me to do gross gross dirty things. Bad bad bad!!!” They muttered hysterically as Xander gritted his teeth, tightly wrapping his arms around as they shook.   
  
“Alexis, they aren't real. They’re just thoughts. Just thoughts. Shhhhh…” He rocked back and forth as they screamed.   
  
There was a rapid knocking on the door which was opened as Camilla, Elise, and Leo peered in worried as their sibling was in the middle of a breakdown. Xander looked at them and then at Alexis who was showing no signs of calming down.   
  
“Leo and Elise, go back to bed. Camilla, please get their medication.” Xander ordered as Camilla rushed out the room as Elise looked at Alexis in horror.   
  
“Xander, I-!” Leo was about protest before he was cut off by Xander.   
  
“Bed, now.” He pointed at the door sternly as Leo pulled Elise along by her hand out the door, glaring at Xander who was ignoring him to tend to Alexis.   
  
“Xander, here.” Camilla came back into the room with a packet of herbs which she mixed into a glass of water which she placed in his hands.   
  
“Thank you so much, Camilla.” Xander held the glass up to Alexis’s lips which he applied pressure to their jaw and they choked it down.   
  
“I feel sleepy…” They muttered before they went limp and their head flopped down on his shoulder.   
  
“Good, go to sleep. Just relax, dear. Everything will be fine in the morning.” Camilla rubbed their back as their eyes fluttered closed.   
  
Xander laid back down on the bed as Camilla laid down on Alexis's other side. Trying to lull them to sleep as the sedatives started to take effect. Fighting was futile as they drifted back into unconsciousness. At the mercy of their sick broken subconscious to prey on them at their most vulnerable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Francis is weirdly childlike because trauma regressed them emotional state to that of an eight year old. In those with c-PTSD, triggers/retraumazation can ofter sharply regressed them to the age of when they were abused. I was mentally six for a month after my breakdown.


	6. Agape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is no limit to their adoptive family's love. Regardless of how annoying they are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to write about unconditional love because I feel even with my parents, their love is limited. That if I do something wrong they will abandon me. So sometimes you need to write a family who will always love you even if you are a vacant fuck up who will never do anything of note.

“Do you love me?” They were propped up by Camilla as their head rested on her shoulder, the dissociative state back full force.   
  
“When have I ever not loved you, Alexis? There is nothing you can do to make me stop loving you.” Camilla wrapped arm around them, pressing the ever more closer to them.   
  
“What if I choose Hoshido? Would you still love me then?” They were skeptical about the idea of unconditional love, there had to be limits.   
  
“I would be furious but I would still love you. Also I know you wouldn’t choose Hoshido because your loyalty has always lied with us, no matter how awful Father is to you. You still came back.” Camilla as wise as ever just swayed for side to side, Alexis was still trying to find an objection.   
  
“What about Xander? Would he still love me if I had chose Hoshido?” Camilla laughed at their stubbornness, giving them a squeeze as they blushed in embarrassment.   
  
“I’m pretty sure I’ve told you countless of times, that I love you no matter what. Nothing can change that even if stabbed me in the chest with your own sword.” Xander entered the room as he sat next to them, squished between the both of them as they rested their head against his.   
  
“What about Leo? He’s been really frustrated with me the last few months. Are you sure he still loves me?” Camilla groaned and Xander sighed, no matter what they said there was a protest.   
  
“There is a difference between frustration at your illness and full out hatred, sibster. There is four kinds of love, according to ancients, agape being one of them. Which means unconditional love. That is the kind of love I have for you.” Leo laid on the ottoman, placing his head on their lap as they ran their fingers through his hair.   
  
“But, what about-” They were cut off by Elise who came running into the parlor, scrambling onto the ottoman beside Leo as she tried to find a place to cuddle with her sibling that wasn’t taken up by her other siblings.   
  
“I will always love you, too! I would probably follow you to Hoshido if I could. There is nothing you can do to get rid of me!. You’re stuck with me forever!” Elise wrapped her arms around their waist as she pushed Leo out of the way to lay in Alexis’s lap.   
  
“I wish there was way to get rid of you.” Leo muttered under his breath as Elise slapped him upside the head.   
  
“Jerk! I don’t love you!” Elise squealed as Xander sighed, tried to separate the two.   
  
“If you two don’t stop it, no one gets cuddles.” Both shut up as everything settled down again, the calm atmosphere made the younger three of the family’s eyes droop.   
  
“It’s really tight in here.” Elise muttered as Leo rolled his eyes.   
  
“Then leave.”   
  
“No! I don’t wanna miss out on family time!” Leo grouchily turned onto his side as Elise kicked him in the back of his leg.   
  
“Okay, let’s move somewhere bigger.” Xander lead everyone to his massive king size bed as Alexis scrunched themself between Leo and Elise, separating the two from one another.   
  
Xander laid down next to Elise and Camilla next Leo, all sandwiched together with Alexis in the middle. They looked over at Camilla who reached out her hand to hold theirs as well Xander who clasped their right hand. So this was what unconditional love felt like. Why didn’t they get this from their birth family in Hoshido? Or at least they felt like they didn’t. Really this is all they needed in the moment. Their true family which loved them regardless of their choices or feelings. Here they knew they were loved. Unconditionally. Without limits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Nohrian siblings are my comfort characters, they make me feel less bad when my brain wants to consume me whole.

**Author's Note:**

> I like to imagine that every medieval fantasy novel exists in the FE universe and they simply see it as realistic or science fiction. Also whatever universe Leo is in, he is still a nerd. If there was a D&D equivalent in this universe, you know he would play it and be the DM.


End file.
